A Blog for Mental Health Week
For Mental Health week this year, someone asked me what as a mother I had learned from my family’s journey with chronic PTSD. Well, if I was just focusing on myself, the answer would be ‘so much!’ In fact, so much I barely know where to begin or how to write. I am even emotional as I start to think back, and I feel that usual unease in my stomach! What can I share though?
Perhaps I can begin by saying that I would have liked to know about many things that, in hindsight, would have made life more understandable, and therefore less hard to muddle through! And, probably like most of us facing issues in mental health, I really did muddle along more than quite a bit! I can say I seemed to find out about a lot of things after situations had happened, and many supports I thought were there, actually were not. I call this ‘health care illusion’ although I found it not just limited to health care!
But if I think about it, there are three very important things I learned and, right out of the gate I do want to share them because I hope they can be helpful to others.
The first is that I learned that for everyone, children and adults alike, there are three fundamental core needs. These are in the same vein as food and oxygen – although no one sees them as that! These needs are safety, boundaries, and love, love as in validation, acceptance, and genuine positive regard. I said to one of my kids once, “‘You know why I love you?” He shook his head looking down. “Because you’re you!” He looked up and beamed – and I swear he grew two inches …!
The second thing I learned, is that I had thought I had a ‘normal’ childhood and was living a ‘normal’ life. As I began to learn about trauma and PTSD, though, I began to realize that I, too, had grown up with massive trauma which society actually considered normal, and that it affected me in almost every aspect of my adult life. Although it took some amount of courage because for some reason I felt shame, I went for my own counselling and also on medication. I do believe the mental health of a child is linked in some way to the mental health of their mother and/or father, and theirs too.
The third thing I learned is something that took a long time to sink in. I want to say it here therefore as loud as I can!
What’s happening, what you’re going through IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It took me the longest time to learn this! I used to go to bed at night and think ‘if I was a better person, if I was just a better mother, if I were more like other people – well things wouldn’t be this way!’ But this is just not true! It’s absolutely NOT about being ‘stronger’ or ‘tougher’ either! This kind of thinking immobilizes and makes you feel like you’re carrying a heavy weight and you can’t breathe. You know, once I let go of that guilt, that weight of blame that seems to be so prevalent in our society today – I felt so much lighter and strangely, I suddenly started to like myself. What a difference it made. I wasn’t even aware I had taken everything on in this kind of blameful way. And that, that self criticism, I have learned underlies almost everything in poor mental health.
So validate yourself whoever you are, validate who you are and know that you are doing the best job you can at this time. It really is not your fault. When you truly feel this then the healing can begin.
Stewart, May 2024
