The Practicality of the Impractical.
I was brought up in a conservative family that didn’t have a lot of means, so to make the most of what we had, we were encouraged to be practical about where we invested our time and resources and to avoid waste. This strategy served us well, and I carried these lessons with me into adulthood and into my family years later.
I was brought up in a conservative family that didn’t have a lot of means...
From an early age, I encouraged my son to try out various activities before committing to one so he could get a better sense of what he enjoyed, make friends, and stay busy when school was out—a very practical approach to parenting in my mind.
When he was five, however, he really challenged this approach when he pestered us for months to get him a violin. Although I am not a musician, I had an idea that this was a difficult instrument to learn, and it just didn’t seem like a good investment of time and money for someone so young.
Eventually, he wore us down, and for Christmas, we presented him with a rented violin and a three-month package of lessons from a local music school. We were amazed at how enthusiastic he was about attending these lessons and even about practicing in between. He was intrigued by the instrument and by the idea that he was making music by himself.
Over time, playing the violin became a real confidence booster for him. He learned that a concerto that seems nearly impossible on day one can, when tackled one part at a time, be played skillfully from beginning to end. Nearly 20 years later, although not nearly as proficient as he once was, he still finds joy in playing. The violin was also a source of solace for him as his mental health struggles intensified in his early teens. Music made school almost bearable, although he missed so many classes that graduation would not have been possible if he weren’t so smart.
University was something he had always wanted to pursue, but the rigors of full-time attendance were just not “practical” for him. He managed a couple of terms of part-time study but was disappointed by how rigid the requirements were. When COVID-19 sent everyone off campus to work from home, the social isolation and disorganization made things much worse, and his mental health really suffered.
As he brooded in our basement, and we all worked on managing our expectations about what was possible, he approached my husband and me with a crazy idea. A friend was doing an exchange term at a university in Wales and raved about how committed the school was to student success and their willingness to arrange academic accommodations. He was determined to finish his degree there and began to make plans. I was concerned about the idea, but we had created a college fund for him and agreed that as long as he kept within that budget, he could go.
Over the next few months, his physical health declined precipitously, and he soon needed to use a power wheelchair. If that weren’t enough, he had a falling out with the friend who was helping him get organized for Wales. It seemed like this plan was fizzling out. How could a guy with mental health concerns, who used a power chair, manage on a 100-year-old campus where it rained every day, much less figure out how to live and study in a foreign country? It seemed utterly impractical!
After some back and forth, he convinced us that living in our basement was likely to be much worse for his health than trying to do something he wanted so badly. We took a deep breath and agreed to help. There was a lot of heat from family and friends—what were we thinking? This was a recipe for disaster! While it wasn’t all smooth sailing by any means, the good far outweighed the bad.
He lived in a cluster flat with seven other young men, several of whom were also from different countries. They bonded over a love of cooking their favorite things from home and helped each other through the ups and downs of “adulting.” The university managed the on-campus/off-campus requirements of COVID brilliantly, allowing him to study in whichever location suited his energy that day and to write exams in a modified format that allowed him to show his best work.
After four terms away, he returned to Canada with a first-class honors degree in hand and much more confidence about being able to find his way in the world. He’s back in our basement for now, while he works part-time and makes plans for graduate school. During his time away, my husband and I had to remind ourselves to stay in the present and not worry too much about whether he would be able to finish his degree or how much money was being spent on this (mis)adventure.
In return, we watched as our son experienced many of the milestones of young adulthood that his Canadian peers had missed during COVID isolation. We’re so very proud of what he’s accomplished both because of his struggles and despite them. His path has been completely impractical and yet, practically perfect.
About the Author:
Cindy Gerdes Cindy Gerdes is the President and Founder of Lifeboat Family Skills, where she now helps other families develop essential skills.
She credits the Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Family Skills she learned during her son’s treatment with transforming her relationships with both her son and her husband, enabling them to work together as a supportive and cohesive team.
If you enjoyed this story, Subscribe to receive new personal stories directly to your email at the start of each month.
